Young, broke, and in love
Dear Antlers,
I have a partner that I have known for approximately 3 years now. He wants to live together. I have not achieved financial stability. I have a job with low income and no insurance. He tells me that it is like that at the beginning, that efforts are made, but I don't know if it is responsible to leave my house without having the ability to support myself. He is a good person and the fact that he wants to build a future together and make an effort seems great to me. Now lately, he talks about wanting to have a child in the medium term, 2 or 3 years. I don't know if I want that. Still, for me, the economic factor is vital in that regard, and I am not the type of woman whose dream is a child. For me, it is an option that I am not entirely sure if I want to take in the future or not. I am afraid of making a mistake and I don't know what to do.
Sincerely,
Broke and in Love
Dear Broke and in Love,
Let me be very clear: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. I know some people like their advice to be sort of vague and open-ended so that they can take what they want from it, but this one is pretty clear-cut to me. The reason I am telling you not to move in with him is not because I don’t think you love each other. In fact, it is precisely because you love each other that you cannot move in with him right now.
When we are deeply in love, it is normal for us to believe that our love can survive anything. That is the fantasy that all great love stories are built on. It doesn’t matter that their families have been feuding with each other for generations! It doesn’t matter that he got paid to take her to the prom! It doesn’t matter that she’s a 13-year-old trapped in a grown woman’s body! Love conquers all. Or so Shakespeare and Norah Ephron would like us to believe.
In reality, there is a reason why rom-coms end precisely at the moment the couple decides to be together. They kiss in the rain or walk off into the sunset and then, BOOM, the curtain closes. You know why? Because the reality of love is far more complicated and mundane and fragile than the movies would like us to believe. That family feud will rear its head every year at Christmas. His dishonesty around taking her to prom will plague her with insecurity. And that 13-year-old trapped in a grown woman’s body will eventually realize she was being groomed. My point is, whether we like it or not, relationships are far more vulnerable to external forces than we like to believe. And if there is one external force that is sure to kill romance, it is money.
I remember my parents being deeply in love when I was a child. To the point that my sister and I were often disgusted by their overt and shameless affection for each other. My father constantly reminded us that our mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. My mother laughed so hard she cried every time he told a joke. They were the best of friends, in addition to being parents and spouses. Then came the Recession of 2008. Both of their businesses went bankrupt, we lost our house, and I saw them start to argue for the first time in my entire life. As you’d imagine, they argued mostly about money and our lack of it. They were both incredibly stressed and overwhelmed, with little mental space left to focus on keeping their love alive. By the time I was 14, they had separated. And though they worked very hard in couples therapy for 3 years after that, they eventually got divorced right before I graduated from high school.
This is a very familiar story for zillennials like myself. The economic downturn of the 2010s left many families in such stressful economic circumstances that marriages began to suffer the consequences. No matter how amazing you think your partner is, it turns out that they are profoundly less sexy when you are sitting down with them to plan out the monthly budget together. That’s not to say that no couple can survive financial hardship or that such hardships can’t bring couples closer together, but it is naive to think that money is no match for love.
Based on your letter, I am going to assume that you do truly love this man and want a future with him. You describe him as a good person. If it is true that you love him and you want to stay with him, you need to communicate to him that you do not want to jeopardize your love by jumping into a financially stressful situation that could make you feel very anxious, depressed, and possibly resentful. You also need to communicate with him (if this statement is true) that you do hope to live with him eventually, but current circumstances aren’t right for it. Give him a timeline if you have one (when you have a new job, when you have more savings to fall back on, etc). If you can, take tangible steps towards this goal (applying to higher-paying jobs, saving money if you can, going back to school, etc). I know that seems like a massive feat and making plans that hinge on that happening feels presumptuous. But let me promise you, financial stability is possible and it will happen if you plan for it right.
He is correct that all young people struggle early in their careers and many move in together to save money on rent. But if you don’t think that you’re in a position to make that situation more financially stable than your current situation, you should hold back. Time is sadly the greatest predictor of how much money we make. The older we get, the more years we have under our belts to work, save, buy lottery tickets, and progress in our careers. However, every career and every person is on a different timeline, and that’s okay. It seems that you and your partner have very different timelines in your heads for both financial stability and starting a family. The more transparent you are about these discrepancies, the more chances you give yourselves to iron out the differences and make plans that work for both of you. He needs to understand that if you’re not ready to share a home yet, you definitely won’t be ready to have a freaking baby in the next couple years. If he really wants a future with you, and you really want a future with him, you both will have to talk about what you really want and when you want it.
In any case, as the child of a financially burdened family, I know that financial stability should come before any talk of moving in together or having a baby. If you can, try to come up with a 5-year plan together, leaving plenty of room for different possibilities. If living with your boyfriend is something you really want to be part of that plan, incorporate that. If having a baby is not something you’re sure about, also incorporate that. We cannot be good to ourselves or to our partners if we are not being honest and intentional. If you practice this with yourself and with your lovely boyfriend, I am sure you will turn out just fine.
Love,
Antlers
